Confessions from the Beach

• Actually, I'm not confessing from the beach. It's more like...confessing from across the street from the beach, in a tower, on the 9th floor, sitting on a cushy couch, watching Yo Gabba Gabba.
  
• "Don't. Don't. Don't bite your friends."
  
• I'm a pretty observant person. This week I've observed a few things I kind of wish I hadn't observed.
  
• For instance...200 lb. girl in a string bikini. Wow.
  
• It took all I had in me to not go ask her, "Did you not have a mirror????" And then I think...wow. I'm mean. Hateful. So I kept my mouth shut and tried to avert my eyes.
  
• Yesterday, while we were at the hot pools, which shouldn't have been hot, I saw a lady walk up with her hubs and two kids and the only thing I could think was, "Those are not mommy boobies."
  
• If you'd seen her, you'd agree. They were not mushy. Or lumpy. Or trying their dangedest to cling to her belly button.
  
• In fact, they were kissing her chin. And looked like inflated balloon boobies. She'd had work done.
  
• Now you're thinking that I must have studied her for an hour. Except I didn't. I noticed all that in about ten seconds.
  
• I've been using SPF 70 sunscreen all week to avoid being sunburned.
• Usually I'm stupid and don't put any sunscreen on....to spend the ENTIRE day at the beach. And then I wonder why I have a mild case of sun poisoning. Idiot.
  
• It's been working as I have nare a burn. But I think my skin is revolting and trying to make me feel like I'm burned.
  
• "There are eyes on my face, eyes on my face. Nose on my face, nose on my face. Mouth on my face, mouth on my face...."
• I stole a baby pool earlier this week.
  
• No seriously. Straight up snatched it off the beach. Someone had left it there. All by it's lonesome. And the Portofino staff people were going to throw it away. I asked. Then....I took it.
  
• Also, I have turned my child into a shoe and bow monster. This could cost us a lot of moolah in the future.
• Yesterday, I paid $10.75 for two smoothies. Two small smoothies. That were just fruit and ice. No yogurt. No combos of fruit.
  
• That's resort life for you.

My computer is burning my legs now. I must leave you. To put on my swimmy. And go sun myself some more.

HOLLA.