Sunday, April 27, 2008

A day of selfishness

Today after church, I should have brought Ansleigh home, fed her, and let her get a good nap (because I'm pretty sure she didn't take one in the nursery this morning) but I didn't. I didn't want to. I wanted to go eat with the Moore's and the Lepper' I did.

When we left from there, Ansleigh was tired and fussy and instead of going home like a good mother (one who puts her children first) would have done, I drove to the Melbourne Art Festival and walked Ansleigh around in the hot sun for about 3 hours with Carrie, Faith, Vanessa, & Grace.

I don't know that it really matters that I had a day of selfishness, but in a way, I have mixed emotions about it. I've been struggling so much lately to get back to who I really am (someone who once had some resemblance of a life) that I saw opportunities and took them--no matter what I should have been doing.

I wanted a day out. I wanted to spend time with friends. I wanted to feel like I live here and belong here. I, I, I....

Anthony spent the afternoon at the Riley's (with his friends) watching a race and I just wanted that too...except not racing. Ew.

The thing is, Ansleigh did GREAT! She giggled and smiled and was a real trooper. When we got home, she ate her dinner and took a three hour nap, took her last bottle, smiled, and went right back to sleep. No foul, no harm done.

I'd like to think that this is the last time my selfishness will take over, but will it really be? How many more times will I do what I want instead of what is more important for our family just because I want to?

Thursday, April 24, 2008

My question

Basically all my life I've been a pretty busy person, even when I was just a child. Then it was school, tap, jazz, ballet, gymnastics, cheerleading, church, and sleepovers at Mimi's.

In High School it was practice, games, pep rallies, proms, pageants, club meetings, and a school newspaper to publish.

I actually remember looking forward to college because I'd finally get some rest.

College came and went with classes, BCM, part-time jobs, outings or sometimes just staying in with friends, and always, always something going on.

Graduation came and went and with it came my first teaching job. Of course, me being the person that I am (someone who CANNOT say no), was involved in everything. Before I knew it, I was killing myself trying to coach basketball, and have awesome lesson plans, and always keep my papers graded. I would leave my house most days at 5:45 am and not get home until 10 or 11 and then there was dinner and a shower, and sometimes, even a tv show.

Now, I am still busy, but it is a different kind of busyness. It is a boring, stay in the house, kind of busy...if that makes sense. I'm not saying that what I do isn't meaningful...if it wasn't, I wouldn't be doing it...but it is different. Now I spend my days doing laundry, washing bottles, (sometimes) planning dinner, and playing with Ansleigh.

I am in constant conflict with myself.

I love my daughter. I love having this time that I'll never have again with her. I love that she knows who Mommy is. I love that I'm the one who watches her make new discoveries every day.

I hate being stuck inside my house all day long. I dislike not feeling like I'm contributing to society. I am not a fan of not having a paycheck of my own.

I enjoy that if I need/want to, I can take a nap.

I hate daytime tv.

I love that God provides me with time to spend time in the Word where it isn't forced like it was when I was teaching.

I struggle with wanting to go back to teaching now and wanting to still stay at home.

In the past, I always reminded myself (and it was a struggle!) to just be still and know that He is God. Now, I feel like if I am still any longer, I will become a statue.

So here is my question:
How do you be a stay-at-home mom with a purpose and a life?

I'm fighting to remember who I was before I moved and became a mommy and I'm struggling to see how that person fits in with being a mommy.

Because sometimes my brain won't turn off...

Why did I create another blog? Because sometimes my brain won't turn off...or maybe it is my heart that won't turn off and it keeps bugging my brain. Either way, I feel like I need a place that is all my own; a place where I can think and reflect; a place that isn't family-specific.

So here it is....Mommy's heart--a live version of that madness that resides in me.

I want this to be not only a place where I can just think and be, but also a place to share my inner struggles, prayers, requests, cries out to God, and what the Lord is teaching me. I guess the key word in that sentence would be "me." Is that selfish?

Some of my "new" friends gently tease me about blogging all the time, but this is something I need in my life right now and something I enjoy.

Keep up if you want, don't if you don't want to but know, that this is my heart.