Thursday, April 24, 2008

My question

Basically all my life I've been a pretty busy person, even when I was just a child. Then it was school, tap, jazz, ballet, gymnastics, cheerleading, church, and sleepovers at Mimi's.

In High School it was practice, games, pep rallies, proms, pageants, club meetings, and a school newspaper to publish.

I actually remember looking forward to college because I'd finally get some rest.

College came and went with classes, BCM, part-time jobs, outings or sometimes just staying in with friends, and always, always something going on.

Graduation came and went and with it came my first teaching job. Of course, me being the person that I am (someone who CANNOT say no), was involved in everything. Before I knew it, I was killing myself trying to coach basketball, and have awesome lesson plans, and always keep my papers graded. I would leave my house most days at 5:45 am and not get home until 10 or 11 and then there was dinner and a shower, and sometimes, even a tv show.

Now, I am still busy, but it is a different kind of busyness. It is a boring, stay in the house, kind of busy...if that makes sense. I'm not saying that what I do isn't meaningful...if it wasn't, I wouldn't be doing it...but it is different. Now I spend my days doing laundry, washing bottles, (sometimes) planning dinner, and playing with Ansleigh.

I am in constant conflict with myself.

I love my daughter. I love having this time that I'll never have again with her. I love that she knows who Mommy is. I love that I'm the one who watches her make new discoveries every day.

I hate being stuck inside my house all day long. I dislike not feeling like I'm contributing to society. I am not a fan of not having a paycheck of my own.

I enjoy that if I need/want to, I can take a nap.

I hate daytime tv.

I love that God provides me with time to spend time in the Word where it isn't forced like it was when I was teaching.

I struggle with wanting to go back to teaching now and wanting to still stay at home.

In the past, I always reminded myself (and it was a struggle!) to just be still and know that He is God. Now, I feel like if I am still any longer, I will become a statue.

So here is my question:
How do you be a stay-at-home mom with a purpose and a life?

I'm fighting to remember who I was before I moved and became a mommy and I'm struggling to see how that person fits in with being a mommy.


Hugs said...

You are always in my prayers. Please call me if you ever just want to chat. I really miss being around you and just talking. It is interesting that you are having that struggle because I've been thinking a lot about that lately. How do stay at home moms stay sane? I'm no where close to it but for some reason God has had that on my heart.

Mary Broussard said...

I completely sympathize with this struggle, in fact I got teary-eyed just reading your post. I think that part of why I wanted to get pregnant again so quickly the second time was to create some more momentum and have another goal:) Of course God planned Luc for more than to help make my days busier, but I do sometimes sit back and wonder how God plans to tie together all the parts of me: my ministry calling, my education and skills, my family life, my goals, etc. And I feel guilty sometimes asking myself the question "When am I going to be more than JUST a stay-at-home mom?" because in my head I know that this is the most important gift I an give to my kids and that it is such a privilege to have a husband providing so that I can be home. I do miss a paycheck and the feeling of accomplishment at work (laundry never provides the same satisfaction). I try to create adventure and goals for my day. I try to remember to do everything as unto the Lord. And I pray that God gives me wisdom to see His grace in my redefined roles. I may not be employed in youth ministry, but I can still build relationships with, invest in, and disiple young people. I may not have an art studio set up in my now child-proofed home, but I can help my kids discover art and help them develop creativity. And I can share my heart's desires with God and my husband and trust that they are valid and that both will help me find ways to use them.
OK, maybe I need my own blog entry :)